Tuesday, 30 June 2009

Tadashi Ezaki, President & CEO, TOCOM

WAHEY! Friday is no underpants day at TOCOM!

Friday is no longer no underpants day at TOCOM after HR received a complaint from one of the miserable old women on the 4th floor. At least we have happy memories of Friday June 26 2009. Maybe one day it will be seen as a forward-thinking initiative that could help save the planet by lowering carbon emissions due to washing machines having to be put on less frequently due to no one wearing underpants on a Friday.

No underpants Friday was just ahead of its time.

Monday, 29 June 2009

Garth Saloner, next Dean of Stanford Graduate School of Business

Here's a man who hasn't updated his collection of suits since he got his first low-level executive position in 1972. He also wore this to his wedding in 1978. And to funerals in 1982, 1987, 1988, 1992 and 1996. The suit was then 'mothballed' in 1997 in favour of a more casual, jacket-less style - but Garth's recent promotion demanded a quick dry clean and a return to service.

If suits could talk, the tales this one could tell!

Come on, Garth. There are some superb deals to be had on the high street at the moment. Single breasted suits aren't just for unruly young rock bands like The Beatles and the Rolling Stones. No one's going to think you're smuggling marijuana through customs just because you're wearing a modern fabric cut in a vaguely flattering manner.

Friday, 26 June 2009

Nina Buik, President, Connect

We got another woman one!

We're not sure if Nina is a proper executive, though. She's president of something called Connect, which looks like it's some sort of 'community' organised by Hewlett Packard for marketing/promotional purposes.

She's a volunteer. She might just be doing some routine paper work in return for something good to put on her CV, like that summer we spent working at the old people's home for nothing more than a character reference and a weekly 'fun bag' of assorted medications.

Her stunningly unprofessional photo also looks like she's had to crop out a nightclub/bar, four of her friends and a huge cocktail with a sparkler in the top of it.

We suspect Nina is a fraud, basically. So, to make amends, here's an image of the one person that stands head and shoulders above the rest of Connect's Board of Directors:

Anyone got any high-res shots of Alan Dick? We'd pay good money for anything above 1200 x 1600 and featuring his suit.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

Kevin P. Kauffman, president and CEO, K.P. Kauffman Company, Inc.

Named the company after yourself? Have an extremely firm idea of what kind of lighting situations your face looks best in? It would be wrong of us to label Kevin P. Kauffman a self-obsessed control freak based on the evidence of one photo.

But he is.

Going on the fabric bunching you can see on his left sleeve there and the close proximity of his face to the camera, there's even a strong chance he's reaching forward and taking the photo himself with his own camera.

That's so he can have total control of what image gets sent out and can just delete the ones he doesn't like immediately. Kevin P. Kauffman knows precisely what angle Kevin P. Kauffman's face looks best from.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Lance Dore, VP Client Services, PGP Valuation

Lance "Death's Door" Dore retired from the pro wrestling circuit in 2003, following a severe shoulder injury he sustained in a barbed wire cell match against Robbie "The Bat" Bachelor during the Man o' Pain XXI show in Vancouver.

Lance ripped and partially detached his left deltoid muscle in the third minute leaping from the edge of the cell onto a table, only for the table to slip and throw Lance awkwardly onto a chair.

Lance bravely fought on with the damaged limb, but was disqualified after 13 minutes when his tag team partner Jerry "Resuscitator" Rawlings rushed the ring and hit "The Bat" across the shoulders from behind with a very big stick.

It was a huge stick. If it was a few millimetres thicker it could've been officially classified as a log. The audience was genuinely shocked. What a match.

Tuesday, 23 June 2009

Kent W. Moore, President and CEO, Family First Federal Credit Union

They got Kent to go outside. The photographer realised the eye of the viewer needs distracting. The eye of the viewer needs to find something - ANYTHING - to focus on other than Kent's is it/isn't it hairline.

The grey stones of the wall may have helped Kent's hair flap blend in, but, sadly, the ivy only serves to emphasise the peculiarly arranged top third of Kent's skull by mirroring his arrangement. You can't blame the photographer for not taking the ivy into account. There's only so much they can do to make businessmen look like normal people.

The problem for Kent is he's too old and podgy to "just shave it off". A man with a head that size can't go for the full shave. There's no way the human brain would assume Kent had shaved all his hair off because it interferes with his extreme sports lifestyle.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Louis Bachetti, National Sales Director of Transamerica Retirement Services

We are not cheating. This image does not come from 1983, neither is it a photo taken of us "role playing" as a Sexy Executive over the weekend.

It accompanied a press release issued on May 27 2009 to announce the hiring of Louis. It is, incredibly, documentary proof that the centre parting/no styling product combination is still in common use in the boardrooms of today.

He was bullied by Tim Morse all through college, despite being two years older than him. If only his mum had let him use hair gel.

Friday, 19 June 2009

Tim Morse, Chief Financial Officer, Yahoo!

Pure, concentrated, unadulterated AMERICAN.

Dunno what you Americans see when you look at Tim's wide jaw, over-combed hair and immensely confident yet slightly empty gaze, but all us Europeans see is flashes of millions of half-remembered snippets from awful TV movies set in colleges, all merged into one blurry memory of hunky men in athletic clothing.


The QUARTERBACK of the college football team walks down a corridor lined by grey metal lockers. He is sweating and carrying his helmet. A nervous CHEERLEADER clutching books to her chest steps out to speak to him

Hey, Lois!

Hey Tim! You got a date for the prom yet?

Yeah, pretty sure I'll be going with Jessica Hamilton. Why? Who you goin' with?

(sad) Oh, no one yet. Guess I'll just...

Yeah, great. See ya, Lois.

Bye, Tim. Hope the Microsoft deal goes ahead one day.


Thursday, 18 June 2009

Deborah Duffey, President, Dermazone Solutions

We got a woman one! Smashing her head repeatedly into, and eventually through the SEXY EXECS glass ceiling, and emerging shocked, bloodied and stunned in the middle of the canteen on the second floor, is Deborah.

The brittle hair and drawstring-tight facial features can only belong to a woman who works for a skin care company. Rats, Deborah. You're supposed to test everything on rats first. Don't just barge into the development lab and demand a go on all the new creams as soon as they've come out of the blender.

UPDATE 01/10/2009
Deborah Duffey and Dermazone Solutions filed a copyright claim, requiring us to remove the image of Deborah Duffey. However, the lovely photo was made PUBLICLY AVAILABLE alongside a press release earlier this year, so clearly we are allowed to reproduce it.

Here it is again.

It seems strangely rude commenting on the physical appearance of a female business person. It's as if we're trying to say she only got where she is today because all the important men wanted to have the most pleasing employee sit near them. Was it a coincidence she got her first major promotion to management level a mere two weeks after wearing that backless number to the 1987 staff Christmas party?

We're most definitely not suggesting anything like that.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

Saul B. Cohen, President, Hammond Residential GMAC Real Estate

Looks more like a scared woodland creature than a businessman. We can't help but picture him emerging from a pile of leaves with a worm in his mouth, noticing us, then scurrying back underneath the leaves to safety. He's more afraid of us than we are of him.

Come back! We weren't going to harm you, Saul! Here, have the crust off my sandwich.

Looks weak. You'd quite happily talk over any points he tried to raise at the weekly Monday morning strategy meet. "Yeah, whatever, Saul. I could do with a coffee. Who else? Six coffees please, Saul, and, what? OK, Deborah. And a glass of water for Deborah. Now, as far as I'm concerned, the problem with Saul's expansion idea..."

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Russ Smith, General Manager, John Q. Hammons

It took literally minutes of research to work out if this is a photo of Russ Smith, the General Manager of John Q. Simmons, or if it is in fact a photo of John Q. Simmons, the General Manager of Russ Smith.

It's a similar sort of problem to that which Beijing hotel staff have when greeting George Michael and having to work out if they call him Mr George or Mr Michael, as he checks in to begin the controversial Asian leg* of his comeback world tour. It's a similar sort of problem to the one that has you being called "Mr Gary" by call centre staff for an entire 20 minute conversation about direct debits.

That man is Russ Smith. John Q. Simmons was something to do with hotels in the 1950s. If we were General Manager of Russ Smith we'd tell him to buy a more modern tie. Oh, and Russ? Congratulations on the award!

*The compromise was less simulated oral sex by the dancers and flesh-coloured leggings underneath their hotpants.

Monday, 15 June 2009

Ron Sabia, President of Gulf Oil

Barbecue at Ron's this weekend. Don't worry about bringing any meat of your own, Ron's chest freezer is packed. He has all the kinds of sausages. Literally every type of sausage known to man.

Beef, pork, pork and beef, venison, pork & leek, pork & apple, pork & Korean dog sausage - everything. He also has the aura of a man who owns a semi-industrial rotisserie capable of roasting three birds at once, if you're a lady and therefore require white meat.

Such a lovely, warm, welcoming face. He looks like such a nice man. A lovely man. A nice, lovely man. But, as ever, we can't help being MEAN and wondering how far out that suit continues to go over the edge of the photo.

About that far, we believe, based on extrapolating the visible curves. Those oil dollars are getting reinvested in corporate hospitality BIG TIME.

Saturday, 13 June 2009

Charles DallAcqua, Executive Vice President with responsibility for marketing, Harland Clarke

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen!

You've seen him in the masthead!

You've wondered if that's a businessman or a retired Hollywood actor!

You've looked through all the updates we've done so far and wondered why he isn't there!

You've thought to yourselves "Is that Patrick Stewart? They mentioned Patrick Stewart in the update about Ray D'Arcy, so perhaps it is Patrick Stewart? Perhaps this blog is viral marketing for Patrick Stewart's new business venture? Because no one would do this for free, would they?"

No! It is not Patrick Stewart. This blog is about high-resolution photographs of businessmen (and we are doing it for free), so unless Patrick Stewart has quit acting and opened up an organic delicatessen or an Ashtanga yoga retreat for stressed celebrities in Los Angeles recently, it wouldn't be right to have photos of Patrick Stewart on here.

This man also has hair, so definitely isn't Patrick Stewart.

So here he is, at full-size resolution...

All hail the grey/bronze business MACHINE that is... Charles DallAcqua!

That's the dream. To look that healthy and vibrant at age 62. To have that much hair at age 61. To have teeth that are OK to smile with at age 62. In the dark light of a nightclub, in a t-shirt and jeans, to be able to get away with telling girls you're only 36 at age 61.

A bit of 'Just For Men' and he could even try saying he's 29. Or he could go the other way, shave it all off and hang around at Star Trek fan conventions having his pick of the groupies before Jonathan Frakes gets there.

Charles, you are a lucky, lucky man, basically.

Friday, 12 June 2009

James Kase, new head of Global Sales and Marketing, State Street Global Advisors

James, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the results of the focus group say you look too much like a cliché of the adult male businessman to be holding a client-facing position in this day and age. Men don't want to be you and women in our test panel could only hold polite eye contact with a printed out photograph of you for short bursts.

You had a positive response among the roly-poly, cheerful fat man demographic, but we're afraid that's not enough to justify your current role.

Starting from Monday please report to the basement. Leave the suit at home. Wear some strong shoes. And shave off that tufty bit in the middle. It's not going to spread.

Thursday, 11 June 2009

David Hooks, Vice-Chairman of the 2009 Finance, Administration and Intergovernmental Relations Policy and Advocacy Committee of the National League of Cities

You'd look this mental if you had to say "I'm the Vice-Chairman of the 2009 Finance, Administration and Intergovernmental Relations Policy and Advocacy Committee of the National League of Cities" every time someone asked what your job is.

Saying "I'm a bin man" might not be as glamorous, but at least the conversation moves on quickly.

Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Andrew von Eschenbach, Senior Advisor, Greenleaf Health

Tight lips, controlled gaze. This is the well-practised smile he's been using since prom night in 1968 when it successfully charmed the pretty pink panties right off Jessica L. Hamilton in the back of her dad's work truck. She hadn't even been drinking. She just let him. She was, in fact, extremely keen and had been hoping it was going to happen all evening.

The American flag lapel badge is there to reassure people that although he has a suspiciously foreign name that makes it sound like his family may have sought asylum in America after WWII and sold Hitler's business/man management secrets to the highest bidder in return for immunity from prosecution, he can in fact be trusted.

He would look bloody great in a Nazi uniform, though.

Mr von Eschenbach is the most powerful executive we've featured so far, thanks to his role with the FDA. His face is a bit lumpier when he's photographed while talking, plus he's not afraid to do experimental stairwell photoshoots with up-and-coming young executive photographers.

It's a good job we Googled this one before publishing it.

Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Dale McFarland, General Manager, KeyLime Cove Indoor Waterpark Resort

Dale's face, while relatively youthful and full of energy compared to much of the corporate world and pleasingly reminiscent of an eager boxer puppy*, proves the rule that faces can be too symmetrical.

Try resizing your browser window and using it as a ruler. He's perfectly aligned! You never see eyes and ears that evenly placed on each side of most heads, or of such equal sizes. Even his little smile dimples are on a level.

His mother is to be congratulated for bravely sleeping on her back for every single night during the pregnancy.




Friday, 5 June 2009

Ray D'Arcy, President and Chief Executive Officer of Interactive Data Corporation

If he shaved his head he'd get loads of chicks, just like Patrick Stewart. Good old Jean-Luc will be boning raven-haired, 30-something French stage actresses until well into his 80s, so don't stop flirting with the cleaners just yet, Ray. What you're imagining happening could still happen.

You might want to take up yoga, though. Patrick Stewart doesn't wait until the lights are off before removing his shirt. Patrick Stewart takes his shirt off in the lounge before he's even finished his coffee.

Isn't there a rule about senior management not having buttons on their collars? There will be when EXECUTIVE MOUSTACHES starts scaling up during the next financial boom.

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Julien Courbe, Managing Director of BearingPoint's CIO Advisory Practice

WARNING: This man has an extremely odd face and head. Such an odd face and head that we feel guilty about drawing your attention to it, as he's no doubt already had an extremely difficult life in which strangers have done nothing but continually draw attention to his odd face and head.

If you do click on the image to see the big version, please, for your own safety, only look at the full-size image through a pinprick in a piece of cardboard.

And is he 16 or 44? The smooth, unblemished skin says 16 and never touched a drop, but the greying temples and visible scalp say he's served an extremely hard 44 years pushing the miserable grindstone that is life round and round and round.

Would you talk to him about the weather and gardening and road works (44) or would you ask him for help on the new DS game you've just bought and have got stuck on (16)? There's nothing more unsettling about a man than not being able to accurately gauge his age.

He also looks a bit 'Young Conservative'. And let's not even mention sexuality.