Friday, 12 June 2009

James Kase, new head of Global Sales and Marketing, State Street Global Advisors

James, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the results of the focus group say you look too much like a cliché of the adult male businessman to be holding a client-facing position in this day and age. Men don't want to be you and women in our test panel could only hold polite eye contact with a printed out photograph of you for short bursts.

You had a positive response among the roly-poly, cheerful fat man demographic, but we're afraid that's not enough to justify your current role.

Starting from Monday please report to the basement. Leave the suit at home. Wear some strong shoes. And shave off that tufty bit in the middle. It's not going to spread.


Anonymous said...

How about a better selection in ties. Something smart looking given your looks are not the most attractive.

Anonymous said...

This site is cruel for no reason.

The CEO said...

This is actually the least-cruel thing I've ever done. This is me sitting on your sofa stroking your cat and smiling at all your anecdotes, even though, on the inside, I'm wondering how many Digestives I'd have to ram down your throat in order to kill you.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

To the creator of the website:
You are fucking idiot. Anything said on this shit website is cruel and unnecessary. None of these people have ever done anything to you. It is evident that you are envious of these people who have done something with their lives while you sit at home with nothing to do. It is sad and pathetic that this is what you spend your time doing. You are a fucking disgrace. I hope you have no friends and no family and if you do, I feel sorry for them. Having you in one's life must be a horrific burden. I hope you enjoy being nothing, you ignorant asshole.

Trilby said...

*polite round of applause*

The CEO said...

Thanks for your input, Mrs Kase. That's one to go on the t-shirt range.

GigerPunk said...

Dear Anonymous,
Welcome to the internet.
In case you hadn't noticed, people on the internet often insult others whilst hiding behind the supposed anonymity it gives.
Oh, sorry, you appear to have already grasped this fact and are applying it yourself.
I'm guessing you're still fairly new to this though, going by your use of fairly dull swear words. You'll have to show more imagintion than that if you want people on the internet to pay much attention to you.
Try "Cockchafer" and work up from there.

Not Anonymous said...

Hey there anonymous, just what exactly is it that these people who "have done something with their lives" have done?

Shuffled a few papers? Directed workflow? Held some workshops? Promoted synergy? Micromanaged?

Please don't pretend that these jobs have any meanings or consequences beyond the paycheck that they deliver and the false sense of importance.

Anonymous said...

Ok so maybe Mr. Kase needs to shave his head or maybe he is not the most attractive man, but to insult his tie. Come on. Sure a man with his income can have the most expensive ties on the market but it takes a certain type of man to wear a tie with animals on it. Tell me would you? It defines his character as that tie has special meaning. Dont be so cruel.. rip his management style - his indecisiveness - his poker face - his inability to be loyal- his selfishness - but his tie.. come on, you can do better than that.

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