READER SUBMISSION: Karen Driscoll, Vice President of Marketing Services, Sesame Workshop

WOMAN ONE! This one's standing in front of a green screen. That makes Photoshopping her into a variety of compromising locations extremely easy. We could put her in front of a rival company's logo, or stick her in the frozen food aisle of ASDA, for example, or have her standing in a cheap lapdancing club.

But we won't. That would be rude.



"For reasons I genuinely have no understanding of. I'm somehow on the corporate mailing list for Sesame Street. Little do they realise that the only use I have for mugshots is forwarding them to Sexy Execs. I have yet to work out which constellation the moles on her neck form. Maybe she was just attacked by a very careless vampire?" - Stuart A.

Erika Miller, Associate, Stone & Youngberg Public Finance Group

"CAPTAIN! Klingon Warbird de-cloaking to starboa... oh no, it's OK, it was just Erika's new frames."



Don't understand modern glasses. The idea is you pay £479 to look like you've built your glasses yourself out of Meccano?

Ibrey Woodall, Director of Client Development, Business Wire

We don't know enough about women to know if matching your lipstick colour to your jacket is a good idea or not. Suppose it at least helps draw the eye away from any problem areas.

We won't list the problem areas. We are not 'Gok Wan' so do not have a license to talk openly to women about their breasts while prodding them with a ruler.



Those earrings are actually Kensington Security Locks, to keep her at her desk. Some militant lesbians keep trying to break in and steal her.

Amber Salzman, CEO, Cardiokine, Inc.

WOMAN ONE! We should've saved this one as a special Christmas update. Look at her, she's pretty much entirely normal. Imagine that. A normal woman. Imagine a woman. With her hair and skin, and all smooth.



Heavily cropped. Probably nothing to it, but it's raising our suspicions.

Linda L. Bourn, Managing Director of Wealth Advisory Services, Wilmington Trust

Was first in the boardroom when heads were being handed out. Was the first to reply to the company-wide email when heads arrived in reception. Inherited extra heads from the people who were made redundant.

Has got a big head, basically.



Isn't there some sort of rule about people with round heads not having round haircuts? Two rounds makes a MEGA-ROUND. Are there any women here who could confirm the ruling?

The only thing we know about hair is to try and make it go over where there isn't very much so it looks like there's more than there really is.

Patsy Barnes, Vice President of Sales, Panoptic Security

Thinks she's Liza Minnelli.



Don't laugh at the hand, it might be some sort of spasm.

NSFW: Janice A. Nearen-Bell, Vice President of Human Resource Services Sales, Paychex

STOP THE PRESS! This one has to go in the calendar. Can everyone who bought a calendar send it back, please, as we're going to have to do a re-issue with this... this... THIS in it.



She shouldn't be in HR. She should be in debt collection, or put in charge of something not many people need. Put her in a room and tell her she's in charge of looking after the green biros, until she reaches retirement age.

Susan Springer, Vice President of Human Resources, VT Group U.S.

Honestly, the picture came like this originally. It appears the photographer has attempted a bit of fashionable "tilt shift" to make her look like she's a toy person.



You need an understanding aunty figure in human resources. Someone you won't mind seeing you cry when you're made redundant.

Julia M. Amadio, Vice President, Global Marketing, MWV Healthcare

Pearl necklace. Tight top to show off figure. If she was the only lady on your floor, you'd have to at least consider it occasionally out of boredom.

According to EU law, it's now compulsory to imagine yourself doing it with every women in the company at least once - even the old typist ladies they're too sentimental to make redundant.

Carol G. Kroch, Head of Wealth and Financial Planning, Wilmington Trust Wealth

Remember, if you are IN CONTROL of your hair, you are IN CONTROL of your business.

Imagine how tightly her bottom must be clenched.

Laura Hastings, Director of Account Management, Goodmail

The poor women ones hardly ever get good studio shots. It's usually because the company is so pleased with itself for promoting a woman to a senior position it just can't wait to send the photo & press release out.

Or it could be because women tend to have lots of photos of themselves to hand, so there's no need to book a proper photography session.

Jennifer L. Finch, Chief Financial Office, Artesian Consulting Engineers, Inc.

Uh-oh. The sporty type. Don't employ Jennifer, she'll be a human resources nightmare. She'll want on-site showering facilities, free towels, lockers for her specialist clothing, somewhere to store her stupid bike, proper mineral water in the coolers, healthy vegetarian meal options in the canteen (and not just pasta every day), plus she'll take longer than her allowed hour for lunch most days because she'll be off jogging 10 miles around the local park.

She'll also be off for weeks on end after breaking her collar bone in a mountain biking accident, will require lengthy holidays in countries where there's no mobile signal so she'll be totally uncontactable in the event of an emergency, plus she's also getting on for 40 and has a brace on her teeth so could be a considerable drain on the company healthcare scheme.

This is why most powerful men favour suits and grey backgrounds for their promotional images. That doesn't give away as many personal facts to potential business enemies.

Michelle R. Schroeder, Vice President, Chief Accounting Officer, Kimball International

Another woman one! She's brushed her hair for this. Brushed it a lot. Also gave her split-ends a bit of a trim in the mirror last night.

Should've feathered the ends. Makes it look more natural.

Ms. Victoria Johnson, President/CEO, CRI

Imagine having a job where it was your job to go on lunch meetings with "Ms." Johnson. It would definitely be the highlight of the week, even if she insisted on just grabbing a healthy sandwich and a water from the deli.

Few beers after work, Vicky? Oh, go on! Go on. Go on. You might as well. Go on. He won't mind. Say it's for work. I'm buying. Go on. Just one? Just a half? Just a sip of one of mine? An orange juice? Apple juice? Cranberry? It's good for you, cranberry juice. Some crisps, then? Just stand outside with me for five minutes? FIVE MINUTES. Just FIVE MINUTES? You honestly can't even spare FIVE MINUTES? You evil COW.

Barbara von Borstel, Group Director and Senior Vice President, Signature Bank

Yet another Barbara. There must be something about the harsh consonant sounds of the name that drives a woman to a life of aggressive business. Adolf Hitler wouldn't have developed that mean streak of his if he'd have been christened something neutral like Jonas or Klaus, and if Barbara's dad had got his way and called her Sophie she'd be shampooing pensioners or baking sausage rolls for a living.

We are not qualified to comment on her hair. Our layman's analysis is that she needs to get a few more bottles of stuff in her bathroom. The same stuff Andie MacDowell uses to stop her hair flying about all over the place and all pointing upwards. They're probably the same age, you know.

Nina Buik, President, Connect

We got another woman one!

We're not sure if Nina is a proper executive, though. She's president of something called Connect, which looks like it's some sort of 'community' organised by Hewlett Packard for marketing/promotional purposes.

She's a volunteer. She might just be doing some routine paper work in return for something good to put on her CV, like that summer we spent working at the old people's home for nothing more than a character reference and a weekly 'fun bag' of assorted medications.

Her stunningly unprofessional photo also looks like she's had to crop out a nightclub/bar, four of her friends and a huge cocktail with a sparkler in the top of it.

We suspect Nina is a fraud, basically. So, to make amends, here's an image of the one person that stands head and shoulders above the rest of Connect's Board of Directors:



Anyone got any high-res shots of Alan Dick? We'd pay good money for anything above 1200 x 1600 and featuring his suit.

Deborah Duffey, President, Dermazone Solutions

We got a woman one! Smashing her head repeatedly into, and eventually through the SEXY EXECS glass ceiling, and emerging shocked, bloodied and stunned in the middle of the canteen on the second floor, is Deborah.

The brittle hair and drawstring-tight facial features can only belong to a woman who works for a skin care company. Rats, Deborah. You're supposed to test everything on rats first. Don't just barge into the development lab and demand a go on all the new creams as soon as they've come out of the blender.

UPDATE 01/10/2009
Deborah Duffey and Dermazone Solutions filed a copyright claim, requiring us to remove the image of Deborah Duffey. However, the lovely photo was made PUBLICLY AVAILABLE alongside a press release earlier this year, so clearly we are allowed to reproduce it.

Here it is again.



It seems strangely rude commenting on the physical appearance of a female business person. It's as if we're trying to say she only got where she is today because all the important men wanted to have the most pleasing employee sit near them. Was it a coincidence she got her first major promotion to management level a mere two weeks after wearing that backless number to the 1987 staff Christmas party?

We're most definitely not suggesting anything like that.