BRITISH EXECUTIVE: Gerald Cumming, Presumably The Boss Of, Cumming & Riley Solicitors

Hasn't encountered a digital camera before, and is really excited about getting to see himself on the little screen.



"I saw this stud and thought it would be a shame not to nominate him for the accolade of Sexy Exec. This fine specimen is Gerald Cumming but I am sure you could probably gather that from the picture. He has 30 years experience man and boy and possible women if the crap around his eye is anything to go by. Hope to see him up on the site soon - a man of this calibre needs to be shared with the world!" - Aaron.

BRITISH EXECUTIVE UPDATE: Graham Cooper, MD, ONEPOST

Graham has updated his image. The last time we featured him he was DOUR and DARK like a BUSINESS MISERY TYPHOON, but now he's been told what to wear by a lady in human resources and has emerged positively beaming, refreshed and invigorated and ready to lead ONEPOST to new commercial heights.

He has even been talked into wearing a yellow tie, because yellow isn't considered to be even the slightest bit gay nowadays.



His hair's gone grey - that's the stress of a recession year for you. The only thing we know about wearing suits is that you NEVER do up the bottom button. Because, well, it makes the top go out of alignment, like Graham's has there.

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: David Morton, Strategic Development Director of Menzies Distribution

He's escaped! One's escaped! Call the police and have all local bus and rail services stopped. No, it's too late! He's on a coach. We repeat, he's on a coach, last seen heading north on the A1.



He's now taunting authorities by posting photos that give clues about his whereabouts on social networking sites.

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: Dave Everitt, General Manager of EMEA, Absolute Software

Believe it or not, this one just arrived in our email inbox. Surely executives aren't now battling to see who's the sexiest of them all? We'll have to assemble a rate card. If people are going to start submitting their own photos, we might as well start making them pay for it. This isn't some sort of casual sex messageboard, despite how it may look.



If this was a casual sex messageboard, Dave would be waiting a very long time for even the least invasive of contact. He should've used an older photo, something from the 80s at least.

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: Graham Cooper, Managing Director, ONEPOST

Has seen it all. He was an innocent trainee during the strikes of the late 70s. He was junior management when the 1987 stock market crash hit. He survived the dotcom boom and bust. He watched the gradual rise of women in the workplace to a point where everyone now has to pretend they're equal to men.

The events of the last 35 years are etched all over his brave, tired body, telling us tales of his battles.



If he could do it all again, the only thing he'd do differently is eat a bit more fruit in his 30s and 40s to stop his skin turning yellow. And he maybe should've taken up the wife's offer of using the receipt to return that tie.

Phil Sharpe, Director of Casualty and Major Risks, ACE UK

Phil, go into the toilets and wash all that gel out of your hair NOW. And use the soap. There's an important client coming in for lunch, and we don't want this place looking and smelling like a sixth-form common room.



And TAKE that STUPID tie off. We'd rather you didn't wear one at all. And if you can't use a proper razor, buy yourself an electric one. Honestly, how old are you?

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: Jeff Smith, Chairman and CEO, Teleperformance UK

£20 says he's got the most Northern accent you've ever heard.

"Bye 'eck, I swear these fax machines are getting more complicated by t'year".

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: John Harrison, Managing Consultant for Building Energy Management, NESS UK Ltd

John's idea here was to make the photographer kneel before him, thereby creating the impression that John is BIGGER and TALLER and therefore MORE POWERFUL than his business opponents.

He is beating his chest and issuing a threat. "Do not market your products to our client base!" he roars, probably via email or an editorial in a trade magazine.

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: John Elcock, Head of Search, CL5 Ltd

Whoa there! Looks like the Brits are finally trying to compete. Here's a fantastic piece of business vérité by John Elcock. We would come over all nervous if he was to enter the lift when we were already in the lift.

"Which floor, John? I'll press the button for you. Fourth? No, let me. Oh no! Our fingers touched!"

Could do with a tie. Probably only has stripy ties and thought a stripy tie would've been too many stripes. Tough call. Probably right, knowing John. We'll never know what went on in Mr Elcock's bedroom that morning. We'd imagine there was at least 20 minutes of face-practising in the mirror, though. No one smoulders like that by accident.



Closer facial analysis reveals an alarmingly asymmetrical face.



He is a fat man and a beady-eyed thin man in one.

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: Phil Rothwell, Sales Director, Postcode Anywhere

Yep. True Brit. Still conscious about his body from being made to have a shower after PE at school. 30 years later and he still has no confidence or idea about what to do with his arms in photographs.

He probably keeps putting his hands into his pockets then taking them out of his pockets again. He desperately needs some direction from the photographer, but is getting NOTHING. The photograph was taken by the junior sales executive. Bet you anything.

The WHAT service? If you're so insecure you MUST stand in front of the company logo to give yourself some sort of validity, at least make sure the text is readable. Honestly, these UK executives - they need spoon-feeding. Come on, Phil, time for your mashed banana. Oh dear, never mind, it'll wipe off. Just put it in the washing machine, these man-made fibres are very resilient.

If you zoom in on his glasses you can see someone's monitor. Looks like they're watching football or some other sport on work time. You've got nothing to smile about, Phil. This department's in a shocking state. Get your hands out of your pockets and start clipping ears.

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: John Gotley, Managing Driector of Port@l

Oh dear. The British management teams just DON'T GET IT. You can't just get a bloke in the office to bring his digital camera in then stand in front of the plainest and whitest piece of wall or the blinds.

And we're all for casual shots - but you can only dispense with the jacket OR tie. Not both. Lose both and you may as well send out a photo of the vaguely retarded teenager from the post room.



Photos like this are why the UK is considered a third-world country in business terms.