Friday, 31 July 2009

Peter Koltai, president-elect, the American Society of Pediatric Otolaryngology

If we did a glamorous, end-of-year, celebrity-packed awards show, one of the categories would have to be Best Beard. There would also be Best Glasses and, as a light-hearted interlude halfway through the event to keep everyone's interest levels up, Worst Glasses.

Peter wouldn't win Best Beard due to the amount of grey, lack of thickness and the way it clashes with rather than complements his hair, but his glasses might just sweep the board. He'd also be in with a shout in Hardest Job Title To Remember.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

Dean Compoginis, Chief Marketing Officer, Bittel Electronics, Ltd.

We prefer our managerial images to be in high resolution, but Dean's only came at 430x488. We are prepared to make an exception on this occasion.

His features are all so MIGHTY no larger image is required. In fact, once you've seen this photo, it's unlikely you'll stop seeing Dean Compoginis every time you close your eyes for several weeks.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Jennifer L. Finch, Chief Financial Office, Artesian Consulting Engineers, Inc.

Uh-oh. The sporty type. Don't employ Jennifer, she'll be a human resources nightmare. She'll want on-site showering facilities, free towels, lockers for her specialist clothing, somewhere to store her stupid bike, proper mineral water in the coolers, healthy vegetarian meal options in the canteen (and not just pasta every day), plus she'll take longer than her allowed hour for lunch most days because she'll be off jogging 10 miles around the local park.

She'll also be off for weeks on end after breaking her collar bone in a mountain biking accident, will require lengthy holidays in countries where there's no mobile signal so she'll be totally uncontactable in the event of an emergency, plus she's also getting on for 40 and has a brace on her teeth so could be a considerable drain on the company healthcare scheme.

This is why most powerful men favour suits and grey backgrounds for their promotional images. That doesn't give away as many personal facts to potential business enemies.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: Peter Leach, managing director, JF Print

You didn't expect much of a man called "Peter Leach" did you? Here he is, sporting the classic goatee 'n' glasses look favoured by podgy businessmen from the retail parks of Reading all the way up to Scotland's industrial South.

It that really the whitest bit of wall they could find?

Monday, 27 July 2009

Andrew Kendrick, CEO and Chairman, ACE European Group

Bloody hell. We've stumbled upon an extremely rare example of a European mullet.

This is what happens when you're posted to Hamburg for six long, hard years. You lose touch with things like 'fashion' and 'trends' and what's likely to get you kicked in when you go to a pub in South London.

Friday, 24 July 2009

APPEAL: High resolution image of Eric Giler, CEO, WiTricity URGENTLY REQUIRED

NEED. Please. PLEASE! It's very important. Someone within WiTricity must have this at print resolution. Eric is exactly the sort of thing we are interested in. From a photography perspective.

We've tried Google. And Bing. And even Yahoo. This image MUST be place in the public domain.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Ted Mathas, president, chief executive officer, chairman, New York Life Insurance Company

President, chief executive officer AND chairman? Ted, seriously, you might want to start delegating a bit of that authority. Maybe then you'll be able to un-clench your teeth, do some nice relaxing blinking, and get more than three hours of angry, restless sleep a night.

"W...where's my... my... c... c... COFFEE?"

Also, your hair would look thicker if you didn't put so much 'product' on the front bit. Maybe just a touch of wax on top to stop the back sticking up from now on? We know, we know, you're too busy to think about updating the hairstyle you've had since college. That's why we're here.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Michelle R. Schroeder, Vice President, Chief Accounting Officer, Kimball International

Another woman one! She's brushed her hair for this. Brushed it a lot. Also gave her split-ends a bit of a trim in the mirror last night.

Should've feathered the ends. Makes it look more natural.

Tuesday, 21 July 2009

Ken Lewis, CEO, Bank of America

Bitterness-tainted guest update provided the 'The VP':

Ken can barely raise a smile. He is trying, yet still the corners point DOWN. Observe the dead eyes. Look at that mouth! It's existed for over five decades solely to deliver orders to minions detailing how best to steal $35 per minor account infraction from unfortunate Bank of America customers.

Although we don't quite know when this image was taken, it's safe to assume it was just before Ken decided that it was 'probably going to be okay' to let people apply for mortgages without checking their income. Or credit ratings.

Sorry Ken, but even if you steal $35 every day from everyone in America, it's going to take you a few years to dig you out of the greedhole you plunged your bank, its shareholders and the entire global economy into!

Monday, 20 July 2009

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: John Elcock, Head of Search, CL5 Ltd

Whoa there! Looks like the Brits are finally trying to compete. Here's a fantastic piece of business vérité by John Elcock. We would come over all nervous if he was to enter the lift when we were already in the lift.

"Which floor, John? I'll press the button for you. Fourth? No, let me. Oh no! Our fingers touched!"

Could do with a tie. Probably only has stripy ties and thought a stripy tie would've been too many stripes. Tough call. Probably right, knowing John. We'll never know what went on in Mr Elcock's bedroom that morning. We'd imagine there was at least 20 minutes of face-practising in the mirror, though. No one smoulders like that by accident.

Closer facial analysis reveals an alarmingly asymmetrical face.

He is a fat man and a beady-eyed thin man in one.

Friday, 17 July 2009

Mark D. Quinlan, Executive Vice President and Chief Information Officer, Associated Banc-Corp

This is what we want to see. He wears the scars of business! Hair missing from being torn out in frustration. Unshaven face because time is money and time spent shaving is YOUR MONEY disappearing down the plug hole in one big swirl of ginger and grey.

Puffy eyes from the days fuelled by caffeine and nights of expense account excess*.

And the sort of suit you can put in the washing machine because dry cleaning unnecessarily impacts on the family finances bottom line. Mark, you are the brave Commander in Chief of the business army. We salute you, and we believe the "saluting" emoticon looks something like a bit this:


*He didn't want to be out until 4.45am last night popping dollar bills into g-strings, but when the regional coordinator is in town you've got to show him a good time.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

DOUBLE TEAM! Carl Roehling, President & CEO, SmithGroup, and Robert L. Shaw, President, F&S Partners

Ahh, they're leaning into each other. The cheerful body language matches the positive cost-saving synergies soon to be realised by their businesses working more closely together in the creative ideaspace.

Busy bar scene. Two men in suits are swaying from drunkenness on bar stools.

Honestly, Rob, I tell you, right. We're gonna... we're gonna...

Crush their asses!

Yeah, man. Like, liquidise their asses!

Liquidise their assets!

And that!

Oh, man. Awesome. Can I have another go on the poppers?

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Clyde Wendel, Chairman and CEO, Scout Investment Advisors

Lovely reassuring man.

By the end of the meeting we'd be sobbing out our life story and accidentally calling him "dad".

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: Phil Rothwell, Sales Director, Postcode Anywhere

Yep. True Brit. Still conscious about his body from being made to have a shower after PE at school. 30 years later and he still has no confidence or idea about what to do with his arms in photographs.

He probably keeps putting his hands into his pockets then taking them out of his pockets again. He desperately needs some direction from the photographer, but is getting NOTHING. The photograph was taken by the junior sales executive. Bet you anything.

The WHAT service? If you're so insecure you MUST stand in front of the company logo to give yourself some sort of validity, at least make sure the text is readable. Honestly, these UK executives - they need spoon-feeding. Come on, Phil, time for your mashed banana. Oh dear, never mind, it'll wipe off. Just put it in the washing machine, these man-made fibres are very resilient.

If you zoom in on his glasses you can see someone's monitor. Looks like they're watching football or some other sport on work time. You've got nothing to smile about, Phil. This department's in a shocking state. Get your hands out of your pockets and start clipping ears.

Monday, 13 July 2009

Philip Guldeman, CFO & SEVP, Temecula Valley Bank

Yes, we'd definitely trust this man with our life savings. He may well be pulling in $500k a year, plus benefits, plus car, plus no one checking his expenses in that much detail and just signing them off - but he's still canny enough to buy his glasses from the budget range.

A pair of $69 ViewMax Opti-clear glasses do the same job as a pair of $499 frames from Red or Dead, after all.

Another button-down shirt collar. What's the worst thing that can happen if you don't button your collar down securely? The worst thing we can think of is that in extreme winds you might get you chin tickled a bit. Is that really such a problem? It might feel nice.

Friday, 10 July 2009

EXECUTIVE NEWS FLASH! Steve Keifer associates supply chain economics with Michael Jackson's death

Prepare yourself to be BLOWN AWAY by the staggering business sense of Steve Keifer, who has turned a potentially dull essay about supply chain systems into an SEO-optimised, keyword-packed piece of pure genius.

Found by "Stephen" who notes:
"As millions of misguided souls around the world contemplated suicide (or a moderate degree of self-harm) at the death of an emaciated man-child off his face on prescription drugs and specialist literature, only Steve Keifer was thinking, 'Fuck me, this is going to be a logistical nightmare!' Keep on blogging!"

We have saved screen captures of the entry in question, as we'd imagine someone's going to take it a bit too seriously and ask he takes it down out of respect.

"Of course, what intrigues me about these types of celebrity life events are the supply chain challenges."

KEYWORD REVIEW: Apple [X], iTunes [X], Amazon [X], Michael Jackson [X], Elvis [X], Moonwalk [X] - this expertly crafted page is going straight to #1 on the Google rankings.

Steve has even written a supply chain parody version of the lyrics to Thriller:
It's close to midnight and all the stores are getting pretty dark
Under the moonlight, you get the POS file transfer ready to start
You try to stream, but the file's so large it starts to choke your router
Screen starts to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
File's paralyzed

‘Cause this the thriller, thriller night
And no one's going to save you from potential out-of-stocks.

We doubt there'll be a finer executive blog post on the internet this year.

Steve, if you ever want a coffee or a tea making and bringing over, just ask. We may be on the other side of the Atlantic, but we'll make it happen somehow. You have earned it.

Thursday, 9 July 2009

Ms. Victoria Johnson, President/CEO, CRI

Imagine having a job where it was your job to go on lunch meetings with "Ms." Johnson. It would definitely be the highlight of the week, even if she insisted on just grabbing a healthy sandwich and a water from the deli.

Few beers after work, Vicky? Oh, go on! Go on. Go on. You might as well. Go on. He won't mind. Say it's for work. I'm buying. Go on. Just one? Just a half? Just a sip of one of mine? An orange juice? Apple juice? Cranberry? It's good for you, cranberry juice. Some crisps, then? Just stand outside with me for five minutes? FIVE MINUTES. Just FIVE MINUTES? You honestly can't even spare FIVE MINUTES? You evil COW.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Jay Johnson, Spokesperson for Gold and Precious Metals Company Goldline International, Inc.

Something's gone wrong. There's been a breach in protocol. This one slipped through the net. He's SMILING. He looks like he's genuinely enjoying himself and is happy to be there. He hasn't had his enthusiasm smashed out of him via 45 years of misery in the corporate environment.

We can't have people going through their whole lives in a carefree happy manner to enjoy a lengthy and fruitful retirement. It's making a mockery of the system.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Josh Cohen, Russell Investments Senior Consultant

Another one for the "converted to B&W" hall of shame.

It is the business equivalent of being picked last.

Monday, 6 July 2009

Barbara von Borstel, Group Director and Senior Vice President, Signature Bank

Yet another Barbara. There must be something about the harsh consonant sounds of the name that drives a woman to a life of aggressive business. Adolf Hitler wouldn't have developed that mean streak of his if he'd have been christened something neutral like Jonas or Klaus, and if Barbara's dad had got his way and called her Sophie she'd be shampooing pensioners or baking sausage rolls for a living.

We are not qualified to comment on her hair. Our layman's analysis is that she needs to get a few more bottles of stuff in her bathroom. The same stuff Andie MacDowell uses to stop her hair flying about all over the place and all pointing upwards. They're probably the same age, you know.

Friday, 3 July 2009

George Lykos, Chief Legal Officer, Bayer Corporation

Didn't know you could still get glasses like that. Or ties like that. Or suits like that. And the shirt looks like... denim? Could it really be a denim shirt? Denim? A denim shirt on the day you KNOW is the day you're having your photo taken? He's either the coolest rebel at the company or hasn't got any proper shirts.

Also didn't think you could get past front desk security with anything approaching a beard these days.

Global leaders agreed on measures to outlaw - or at least greatly reduce - the wearing of denim shirts at the G7 meeting in Kananaskis, Canada, in June of 2002, despite strong resistance from France and Germany.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

DOUBLE TEAM! Mike Moody, President, Newmark Homes Houston, and Lonnie Fedrick, Chairman, Newmark Homes Houston

They're cleverly standing far enough apart that the other one could easily be cropped out of the photo, should a difficult boardroom power struggle result in one of them stabbing the other in the back and having them booted out.

"Yeah, lean back, ASSHOLE. Rotate your torso away from mine, DICKWEED. You'll be cropped the hell out of this BITCH after next Wednesday's management meet."

We did an all-day training course on libel laws in about 2002, and can't remember if it'd be OK to suggest Mike is probably Lonnie's secret love child borne by his personal assistant in 1967, hence his suspiciously rapid rise through the ranks of Newmark Homes.

If Lonnie Googles himself in his lunch break he'll go BALLISTIC. If anyone from Newmark Homes hears chairs being thrown around in Lonnie's office, please drop us a line and we'll delete it all. Lonnie's not going to know how to retrieve cached versions.