Friday, 26 February 2010

Bill Derrick, Vice President of Client Experience, Daticon EED

Looks like he even combs his eyebrows. You know he's going to leave no stone unturned in his business dealings. He will metaphorically comb every eyebrow to ensure the client experience is as high as possible.

Amazingly accurate and uniform hair, easily the most uniform hair we've ever seen - and we spend a LOT of time looking at men's hair. Hope he tipped the barber.

Thursday, 25 February 2010

J. Scott Di Valerio, CFO, Coinstar

WOW. Never mind poxy calendars, we're planning a gonzo art stunt where we project this beauty onto the side of the Houses of Parliament. It's the only way to do J. Scott Di Valerio justice.

We'll get back you you with something about Mr Di Valerio in a few weeks, once we've had time to process exactly what's going on here.

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Michael J. Falbo, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer, TierOne Corporation

We are very tempted to turn this one upside-down.

Very tempted indeed. Although that would involve firing up Photoshop and spending at least half an hour recreating a very, very old joke.

Initially, we settled for making the head bigger and flipping it along the vertical axis.

And seeing as we'd gone and cut it out, it's then a relatively short additional procedure to completely flip the head along the horizontal axis. But it doesn't really work, visually. We're now going to have to spend another half an hour putting his mouth down on his forehead.

This isn't turning out funny at all. We thought putting bald men's heads on upside-down was a tried and tested joke?

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

EXECUTIVES IN ACTION: Frank Averdung, CEO SUSS MicroTec AG, and Roland Lacher, CEO Singulus AG, signing the HamaTech Purchase Agreement, 12 January 2010

This is the moment the action happened! Sadly we couldn't be there in person due to other commitments, but this is the next best thing.

We remember when MicroTec and Singulus were at each other's throats. Never thought this day would come. The industry never ceases to amaze.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Terrence O. Tormey, Board Member, EuroMed

Possibly the MOST double-breasted suit money can buy. The hem must completely wrap around his waist and tie together at the back.

Always wanted to buy one of those shirts. As a joke. To wear around the house while alone. Then sleep in. While alone.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Ronald G. Rauch, Chair, Bellevue Downtown Association

Here's Ron, pictured standing on the boiling surface of Venus, in front of its fractured clouds of nitrogen and sulphuric acid. His hair's like that because he's been wearing a pressurised helmet all day. It's much thicker-looking in our atmosphere.

Tie's a bit limp there, Ron. You've done it up too tight, probably because you were stressed about the shoot today. It's understandable, it's the photographer who's at fault over it as usual.

These men aren't MACHINES - they need to be told when their ties are done up a bit wrong, just like everyone else. You won't be in trouble for mentioning it, Mr Photographer - he'll actually be grateful.

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Jerry T. Kendall, Senior Vice President of Sales and Service for USS Corporation

Like this one. He looks like Robert Patrick in around the year 2035, playing the T-8000 in Terminator VI.

He can morph his finger into a letter opener, but not a stapler as that's got moving parts.

There's also a bit of the Stan Laurel about him, although Stan would recoil in horror and bewilderment at the very notion of a collar with buttons on it.

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

James E. Felter, Senior Vice President, Defense Sector, STG

Ran over his son's dog reversing out of his house this morning, and then there was an enormous queue in Costa Coffee, and then his PC wouldn't boot up, and then when it did boot up there was an email - a bloody EMAIL! - from his wife confessing to having had an affair with his brother since 1997 (on and off).

Then he got the call about having to go to Meeting Room 5 for the bloody photoshoot. As is he hasn't got enough to bloody do bloody today already.

This image came as a 2896 x 1944 file that weighed in at 2.8MB. No offence, STG Defense Sector, but we doubt anyone in the world is going to use this fine image of your mighty boss without significantly scaling it down.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Alan R. Hodnik, CEO, ALLETE

It looks like Alan spends too much time sleeping on his right-hand side. His right ear has been squashed flat. Alan, you need to get your wife to roll you over every few hours. You're too young a man to suffer the shame of asymmetrical ears.

The photographer is at fault here. In attempting to capture the full glory of the moustache, the (presumably amateur) snapper has inadvertently drawn attention to Alan's ears. If he'd told Alan to rotate a few degrees, the ear asymmetry could've been hidden from view.

It's always worth sacrificing moustache clarity for ear symmetry, everyone knows that. There's even a rhyme that helps photographers remember this fact:
If the ears are out of line,
Don't assume it will be fine!

Tell the man to turn his head,
Or your shoot will sure be dead.

Monday, 15 February 2010

READER SUBMISSION: Jim Panfil, former Director of Marketing, Atmel Corporation

Today's reader-submitted executive is a superbly moustachioed 1960s original in fine working condition, offering experience, a classic all-white shirt option and an annoying tickling sensation when he nibbles lovingly and loyally at your neck.

"This is Jim Panfil. Once upon a time he was Director of Marketing at Atmel Corporation. Today, his LinkedIn public profile says he's interested in 'career opportunities', 'job inquiries' and 'getting back in touch'. What happened, Jim?" - DM.

Friday, 12 February 2010


Long-time cross-network thing-of-note submitter "Phorenzik" recently sent us a link to a blog called EXECUTIVE BUSINESS PORTRAITS - the home of a man who makes a living taking genuine executive photographs.

Like, he does it seriously. All day long. Every day, economy permitting.

The blogger talks us through how his shots are taken, even going so far as to supply variant test shots of the photos that were eventually used, also giving us thrilling "Making Of..." commentary on the photography process. Such as:
"Today I had an executive portrait session in Denville, NJ. Jackson needed a few different looks for his marketing pieces. So we did some traditional and more casual style portraits without a tie. I think we accomplished what we were trying to do."

If you have an ironic or even non-ironic interest in men standing awkwardly in front of a wide variety of cloudy backgrounds, be sure to check out EXECUTIVE BUSINESS PORTRAITS.

There are photos like this on it.

And photos like this.

And like this.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: David Morton, Strategic Development Director of Menzies Distribution

He's escaped! One's escaped! Call the police and have all local bus and rail services stopped. No, it's too late! He's on a coach. We repeat, he's on a coach, last seen heading north on the A1.

He's now taunting authorities by posting photos that give clues about his whereabouts on social networking sites.

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Jeffrey J. Allison, Executive Vice President and Senior General Merchandise Manager, JCPenney

Too much grey. There's hardly any colour information in this image at all - you could convert this one to a GIF and it'd look about the same.

You could photocopy this picture and it'd look about the same. You could fax it and his grey appearance, blotchy suit and jagged hairline would be perfectly reproduced.

Say what you like about Jeffrey J. Allison - he's a cheap one to print out photos of. If you're always having to print out photos of your executives, think how much you'd save in the long-term from hiring Jeff.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Nicholas DeBenedictis, Chairman and CEO, Aqua America, Inc

Lovely deluxe leather upholstery. Sun-dried, hand-stitched, each remaining strand of hair individually combed from left-to-right for the ultimate in executive partings.

Don't just get an executive, get a DeBenedictis.

One point - if your company's already got "America" in its name, there's no need to also wear an American flag pin badge. We get that you like your country. We like parts of it too, mainly the part that licenses out the Oreos brand for production overseas.

Monday, 8 February 2010

READER SUBMISSION: Karen Driscoll, Vice President of Marketing Services, Sesame Workshop

WOMAN ONE! This one's standing in front of a green screen. That makes Photoshopping her into a variety of compromising locations extremely easy. We could put her in front of a rival company's logo, or stick her in the frozen food aisle of ASDA, for example, or have her standing in a cheap lapdancing club.

But we won't. That would be rude.

"For reasons I genuinely have no understanding of. I'm somehow on the corporate mailing list for Sesame Street. Little do they realise that the only use I have for mugshots is forwarding them to Sexy Execs. I have yet to work out which constellation the moles on her neck form. Maybe she was just attacked by a very careless vampire?" - Stuart A.

Friday, 5 February 2010

BRITISH EXECUTIVE: Dave Everitt, General Manager of EMEA, Absolute Software

Believe it or not, this one just arrived in our email inbox. Surely executives aren't now battling to see who's the sexiest of them all? We'll have to assemble a rate card. If people are going to start submitting their own photos, we might as well start making them pay for it. This isn't some sort of casual sex messageboard, despite how it may look.

If this was a casual sex messageboard, Dave would be waiting a very long time for even the least invasive of contact. He should've used an older photo, something from the 80s at least.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

DOUBLE FEATURE: Mike Purchia, Managing Director, Northeast, and Courtney Grover, Division Manager, Northeast, LEVEL5

We couldn't choose between this sensational pair from LEVEL5, so we've gone and uploaded them both. We're not going to make a habit of doing this, as we find there's only so much businessman it's possible to take on a daily basis.

And this is possibly too much businessman. This one's Courtney. Courtney must've been a more acceptable name for a boy in 1949. And here's the Mike.

We'd sign the deal with Courtney, then go out to celebrate with Mike. Mike has the look of a man who knows how to organise a good night out, and is always the last man to stop drinking. How could you say "no" when that puppy dog face shoves another triple into your hand?

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Eduardo Senf, President, Newell Rubbermaid International

Is his hair coming out OK on your monitor? It's making ours strobe violently when we scroll the picture up and down.

Nice colour background. Brings out the blue detailing in the jacket. We say jacket, as there's no way he can be wearing matching trousers. A suit made entirely out of that fabric would be way too much.

On the off-chance someone who knows Eduardo reads this, can you please confirm if that's just a jacket or if it's a whole suit? Thanks.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Bill Brown, Chief Information Officer, Iron Mountain

When Bill looks in the mirror and takes stock of his life during a quiet moment after the wife and kids have gone to bed, we'd imagine he's quite upbeat about what looks back at him. We're between 15 and 20 years younger than Bill, but would happily swap teeth & hair with him.

We've bought better suits and shirts from Cancer Research, though, so he can keep his business ensemble.