Wednesday, 30 December 2009

John Thuestad, Vice President, Alcoa

John's right shoulder is suspiciously raised, hinting that he's taking this photo himself by performing an "executive reacharound".

There's a lot to work with here. A bit of gel, some contact lenses, a more modern shirt, suit & tie... it's not too late to start hanging around with the cool guys, John. You could still penetrate the "pub lunch" crowd.

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Richard J. Guiltinan, vice president of finance and chief accounting officer, Flowserve Corporation

This is the closest we could get to one who looked like Father Christmas.

Have a Merry Christmas and an operationally sound Q1 that meets and possibly exceeds internal forecasts.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Norm Szydlowski, president and chief executive officer, SemGroup

The Szydlowski family was bred underground, hence the minuscule eye-holes. His tan has come from being under studio lighting for five minutes - and he's wearing Factor 20!

The lip-whiskers are used to sense the vibrations of its prey in the total darkness of the subterranian hunting grounds.

Monday, 21 December 2009

David P. Falck, Executive Vice President, General Counsel and Secretary of Pinnacle West and Arizona Public Service Company

Odd that a man so businesslike in appearance would be taken outside for an exciting "lifestyle" executive portrait. They probably had some expenses money left to use up, so decided to all get coffees and make poor David pose in public.

It doesn't really matter what angle his torso is at. This was never going to be a classic shot. But congratulations to the photographer for trying.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Dr Peter Collins, CEO, Dezineforce

Has to wear a special protector during the night, else he grinds his teeth. Should probably start wearing it during the day as well.

Also has to have his body restrained with four-inch leather straps during the night, else he hogs literally ALL the duvet.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

GDF SUEZ Subsidiary Appoints Robert A. ("Bob") Wilson as President and CEO

He's gone for the timeless brown & gold combo, but you need a decent tan to really pull that particular look off with style. The shirt also appears to be an off-white, but that could just be poor studio lighting so we won't press the matter.

Makes us glad to be long-term unemployed.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009

DOUBLE TEAM: Ugo Cosentino, Vice President Operational Business Strategy (left) and Albert Bourla, President, Pfizer Animal Health, Europe, Africa, Asia Pacific

The friendly faces of Pfizer's drive to convince Americans they need to buy medicine for their pets. Yes, MEDICINE FOR THEIR PETS.

The one on the left has been snorting ground-up dog worming tablets all morning. They de-worm dogs, and make humans feel INVINCIBLE and very funny.

Monday, 14 December 2009

L. Gary Gionnette, President and Chief Executive Officer, AgriWise Inc.

Classic. This is what we want. This is grass roots executive material. He's so anonymous he practically melts into the wall. That's not a suit, it's a salvaged Romulan Cloaking Device someone in the post room managed to get working on the UK mains supply.

Would trust him with our PIN number and special alpha-numeric password. Would even let him put his safe hands on our tiller.

Friday, 11 December 2009


Known reader "Gonuts McDie", who really needs to change his name if he wants to succeed in the business world, somehow got himself on the mailing list of Executive Biz, which has compiled a superb list of "Ones to Watch" in 2010.

A whole year of staring at the drawn faces of our business leaders? Can't wait.

"You may already receive this e-newsletter along with several others about employment best practices and ICT policy implementation. However, in case you haven't, allow me to introduce ExecutiveBiz. You might find it turns up some nice additions for what is fast becoming a lovely Website. Then again if it doesn't, I don't particularly care" - Gonuts McDie.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Paul Lazar, Business Development Leader For the Southeast Region Operations, Wells Fargo

This is one of those gonzo executive photoshoots, where someone bumped into Paul in the street, convinced him to come back to a hotel room, then roughly pushed him up against a wall and took his photograph. The sweat on his forehead is from where he put up a struggle.

Looks like he's wearing comedy "big eyes" glasses, but upon closer inspection seems to just have big eyes.

Wednesday, 9 December 2009

Jack M. Kriesel, Senior Vice President of Performance Fibers, Rayonier

The performance fibers come out of Jack's own face. When he dies, the entire company goes down.

We have introduced a new category - Executives Who Need to Update Their Frames.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

John W. Frederick, CFO, Open Solutions

Too shaved. Someone ought to tell Gillette that you CAN have too close a shave. A man needs to display evidence that he is at least technically capable of growing a beard, else he looks too shifty and untrustworthy.

He's even shaved all the downy ones off his cheeks. Probably carries on shaving all the way down to you-know-where, and around the back.

Monday, 7 December 2009

Ann Dieleman, Chief Marketing and Business Development Officer, ARAG

Initially seems very lovely. Initially seems like you'd want to help her reorganise the stationery room on a very hot day. Then you start to imagine kissing her and OH GOD WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HER GUMS?

Sadly, Ann doesnt hold up to the sort of advanced, high levels of scrutiny people are subjected to these days. It's not us doing this, it's celebrity-obsessed media culture. Blame Heat magazine.

Thursday, 3 December 2009

Chris Lauwers PhD, Chief Technology Officer, Avistar Communications

Tie didn't dry out in time, Chris? Left your jacket in an overhead locker on EasyJet flight 744?

Is probably wearing green cords and CLOWN SHOES.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Robert L. Parker Jr., Executive Chairman, and David C. Mannon, CEO, Parker Drilling

It's a Parker Drilling special update today, featuring two entries from opposite ends of the executive spectrum. First up - the creepy, withered old end.

This is the actual Mr Parker. He's the one who takes care of business and pays the bills. The drilling machine is his.

And here's the young, thrusting one. This is the one who runs up the drinks tab in the name of "building contacts". We would rather go out for lunch with the old one, as there wouldn't be as much pressure to get drunk and compare sexual conquests.