Friday, 27 November 2009

Chris Foster, Business Development Executive, Information Security Solutions, Raytheon

He's attempting a cheeky smile!

Or the right-hand side of his body is partially paralysed, in which case we apologise to Chris, his family and the friends who so selflessly helped him through "the problem".

This is what he might've looked like before.

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Ray Zwiefelhofer, President, World Software Corp.

Tiny mouth. He should be emphasising the mouth, not making it appear even smaller by masking the top of it with hair. Nice skin, though. If it was stetched out a bit it'd be perfect.

Shave it off and put on a subtle shade of lipstick.

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

Michael White, President and CEO, DIRECTV

Nice American hair. Confident ball-busting stare. Let's pretend not to notice the THINGS.

We've spotted five THINGS. How many THINGS can you count? And what animal do you get if you join the things?

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Scott Kamsler, VP of Finance and CFO, SandForce

You can tell by the lines on his face that "smile" is not the usual signal his brain sends to his facial muscles. His poor cheek tendons are really working hard to yank up the corners of that mouth. He'll be aching for a week after this intense workout.

And £10 says his hands are CLENCHED FISTS. Although we'll almost certainly never know.

Monday, 23 November 2009

Christopher Ruud, President, Ruud Lighting Inc.

This is one of those times we wish we could remember lines of dialogue from hit movies, as we'd imagine something from Ferris Bueller's Day Off would be quite appropriate here.

We actually admire Christopher's bravery in going out looking like that. We'd be terrified of getting kicked in walking to the local shop in that jacket, never mind teaming it with that sort of hair and an unfortunately smug smile.

Friday, 20 November 2009

TRIPLE TEAM: Michael A. Mohr, MD and Head of Investment Advisory Activities for the Southeast region, D. Jack Sawyer Jr., MD and President of the Southeast region, Todd A. Tautfest, MD and Head of Business Development, Wilmington Trust

Our second TRIPLE TEAM. Three men with job titles so important and lengthy we had to get a technical advisor in to specially lengthen the headline part of this post, so we may accurately and precisely report who's managing director of what and in what region.

The man in the middle is rotating. It looks like he's subconsciously siding with the man on the left, as they are both rotating in opposition to the man on the right. If we were the man on the right, we would be worried and would start working late to read the emails of the one on the left and the one in the middle to see if they're plotting against us.

The synchronised pinstripe display team remain our #1 TRIPLE TEAM.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Bob Murphy, President, BAE Systems Land & Armaments

Too much brown. We need to run this one through THE MACHINE to tell if it's a human or not, or just a human-like stain on a bit of 1970s wallpaper from where someone tripped with a cup of tea.

No. THE MACHINE says REJECT NON-HUMAN and to put Bob in the pile to be mechanically separated, then reconstituted into nuggets to feed the rest. That sounds cruel, but THE MACHINE only has our best interests at heart.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

John M. Ballbach, Director, The Timken Company

Those glasses really bring out his eyes. As in, they let you work out which part of that huge expanse of flesh is where his eyes should be.

This photo was called "JMB_Photo_(Suit).jpg" - did anybody get JMB_Photo_(Shorts).jpg? We have lots of similar images to trade and swap. Some are harder.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

Dr. Frank Apgar, Chief Medical Officer, Arcadian Health Plans

Back to normality. Back to a lovely old man you'd happily spend a few hours drinking whisky with, before making excuses to leave when he starts getting extremely racist.

We're not suggesting Dr. Frank is racist. That was just a hypothetical example of the sort of situation most of us will find ourselves in this Christmas.

"Yes, grandad, it is a Japanese watch. Why do you ask?"

Monday, 16 November 2009

Justin J. Junkus, President, KnowledgeLink

What happened here is obvious. God (let's just pretend) sketched out the design for Justin J. Junkus' face, but didn't like it and screwed it up and threw it in the bin.

But then he ran out of time to draw a new face for Justin, so had to get the old, screwed-up one out of the bin, unfold it and use it as is, sending poor Justin out into the world with a rejected, screwed-up design for a face.

Or maybe he was involved in a mangle accident as a baby, and the soft bones all reset a bit wrong. More details on Justin J. Junkus can be found here if you want to play Face Detective. Thanks to "Father Viv" for submitting the photo, which he spotted in "last month's Broadband World" should you need a glossy version to frame.

Friday, 13 November 2009

Linda L. Bourn, Managing Director of Wealth Advisory Services, Wilmington Trust

Was first in the boardroom when heads were being handed out. Was the first to reply to the company-wide email when heads arrived in reception. Inherited extra heads from the people who were made redundant.

Has got a big head, basically.

Isn't there some sort of rule about people with round heads not having round haircuts? Two rounds makes a MEGA-ROUND. Are there any women here who could confirm the ruling?

The only thing we know about hair is to try and make it go over where there isn't very much so it looks like there's more than there really is.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Charlie Willis, Financial Advisor, Southwest Securities, Inc.

Don't phone between 2.00pm and 3.30pm - that's his nap time.

If he's late, he fell asleep on the train in. Send a car to the end of the line to pick him up.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Tom Robinson, Vice President and COO, Harveys Supermarkets

Face like a composite image of the ideal businessman. He has been designed by COMPUTER to most resemble the man on the end of the telephone when you phone BT and ask to be put through to a manager.

How can he possibly have such a ginger moustache? His hair doesn't look ginger in the slightest. Did anyone know Tom as a teen? We would like to assemble a time-lapse movie of his ageing process. Something dramatic must've happened to him to set his hair and 'tache off on such different development timelines.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

READER SUBMISSION: The trendy IT management of River Muse

When all else fails, you can always rely on "The Point" to make you look wacky and full of fun.

This is bordering on "NSFW" territory. You will shortly see the one on the right holding a Mac AND a coffee, because that is his chosen LIFESTYLE.

"Mark Wilkins is only a Pre-Sales Engineer. Not really an executive. Identified here."

"The chap almost touching backs with him is Paddy Bell, Business Development Director, also to be found in casual mode here and answering the phone (think he must shout quite loudly, because he's holding it a long way from his face) here. If the downturn continues, they're prepared to switch careers and become a chat show host and cooking show judge respectively."

"My favourite, though, is Phil Blades, VP Products & Community. I like the product hold. He's workman-like, as if he has a sack of potatoes which needs shifting, yet it's as if he's not carrying any weight at all. There might be 500 gigabytes of data in that laptop, but nothing shows on his face. Cool as a cucumber smoothie" - Mr Finge.

Monday, 9 November 2009

David Vazdauskas, President, Local Thunder

Too much blue. Makes him appear amphibian. And the overly-dark background adds an aura of menace to the scene, as does his suspiciously too-combed hair. Why is he combing his hair so much? Is it a nervous thing? What has he got to hide?

Left collar also veering out of control, awful tie-bunching, jacket absent so is presumably off being cleaned. He's a one-jacket wonder. No chance. Give up and sign on, Dave.

Can imagine him dislocating his jaw and eating a rival businessman in one go, then calmly returning to his desk, leaving a trail of slime on the carpet tiles.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Alejandro ("Alex") Cedeno, Vice President of Global Innovation, MWV

Now that is going to tickle.

Alex, stop now, it's hurting. You're hurting me, Alex. Alex. ALEX. Stop. Look, it's gone all red now. Please shave it off before next time.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Randy Potts, Senior VP Strategic Planning, Winnebago Industries

How we would love to live in one of the isolated pockets of humanity where nobody says anything or looks at you funny if you're walking around with a moustache on.

On the flipside, we're glad to be living in a modern, educated society where button-down collars are FROWNED UPON, even by casual labourers.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Patsy Barnes, Vice President of Sales, Panoptic Security

Thinks she's Liza Minnelli.

Don't laugh at the hand, it might be some sort of spasm.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Bob Heller, J.D., LL.M, Principal, Clark Nuber

POSSIBLE NEW FAVOURITE! Looks like he's made out of foam. He's a punchable stress relieving mascot for the recently redundant. This year's HOT Christmas toy - Squidgy Bob Heller.

Squidgy Bob comes with three preset phrases - "I'm sorry we're going to have to let you go", "The budget just isn't there" and "This came from higher up".

Wonder how he chipped that tooth? Was it (a) snowboarding at the weekend, or (b) fainting after getting out of the bath a bit too quickly?

Monday, 2 November 2009

Robert J. Kohlhepp, Chairman of the Board, Cintas Corporation

Don't like this one. He's staring too hard. His head is too big. The skin's all loose and floppy, like it's not even his skin and is the skin he peeled off the corpse of the man he defeated and replaced on the board.

Nice shirt, though. Mrs Kohlhepp must've been up all night steam-ironing the cotton molecules into submission.